Love and Relationships
Number One Strength Emotionally Intelligent Marriages Share
What is at the heart of successful marriages? Is it the passion or romance married couples share? Is it effective communication and strategies for dealing with conflict? Is it the similarities in temperament, personality or intelligence?
Interestingly, the most prevalent strength that emotionally intelligent marriages share may not be any of these things. According to John Gottman (2000), one of the foremost researchers on marriage with an impressive forty-year track record, the answer may be surprisingly obvious.
According to Gottman’s research a strong friendship is foundational to a successful marriage.
Gottman’s research shows that over the course of a forty-year span about 67 percent of first time marriages will end up in divorce. About 50 percent of these divorces will occur in the first seven years. These percentages are alarming. They should motivate each one of us, to put the extra effort and attention on our marriages to make them strong.
Many married couples don’t recognize the signs of emotional disengagement until they feel lonely or depressed. Life gets in the way, slowly causing many of us to drift away from our spouses every day lives. In the process our friendships can wane. For many of us we are not making the most important relationship in our lives a priority. It’s not intentional by the way, we simply get busy, distracted and feel tired.
Here’s a typical scenario. A mother usually is the primary caregiver for the children. She is very involved with all of their activities. She is on top of their academics, their extra curricular activities, their friendships, their church and youth group lives. She is trying to raise her children to be responsible citizens with good character, to have moral values and to have compassion for those in need. In her spare time, she is the housekeeper, nurse, chauffeur, cook, part time gardener and dog groomer. If she has an outside job or career she is probably feeling stretched and guilty a lot of the time. She barely has time for herself.
Her husband has been trying to take care of the family. He gets up every day and goes to work whether he is inspired, motivated or not. He has to provide for his family. Some men like their jobs and careers, others do it because they have to put food on the table. Many are working hard to climb the corporate ladder, to make a name for themselves, or to get to the next level. Many are tired when they get home after putting in a day of work. He too has little time for himself.
Many couples go on for years with this scenario. Both quality and quantity time for each other being crowded out. Many couples find themselves in crisis when their children go off to college because they don’t have much of a friendship any more. They are emotionally disconnected, weary and don’t feel they have much in common. Familiar phrases include, We have drifted apart. We have grown apart. We don’t love each other any more.
Don’t let your marriage get to this point. Decide to make a change today. I love working with couples in my practice. I want to encourage them that they don’t need to wait until their marriages are on the verge of collapse before taking action. They can do something today. Let’s work on making our spouse our best friend.