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Love and Relationships

What Marriage Needs

Posted on: March 7th, 2017 by Dr. Angela Bisignano

A healthy marriage is a treasure that nourishes the soul. Good and healthy marriages; however, rarely just happen. Couples need to invest time, commitment and emotion for marriage to survive over the course of a lifetime and to thrive. Current marriage statistics leave us wondering why so many marriages today won’t make it. Many eager couples will walk down church aisles this year with hopeful expectations only to have their marriage end with broken hearts. What do marriages need to last? Hundreds of books have been written on the subject. This article will focus on one marriage trait interdependency.

What is interdependency and why do marriages need it?

Interdependency is a mutual reliance that each marriage partner has on the other. It is not codependency, which is generally marked by couples being out of balance. In codependent relationships people may struggle with control and power. One person may be overly concerned for another in an unhealthy way; often creating anxiety, guilt, or resentment. The codependent person may try and take responsibility for another’s feelings and behaviors. Generally, they do this for their needs to be met or to ease their own distress. Interdependency on the other hand is an implicit understanding of a shared dependency. It is two autonomous and healthy people coming together acknowledging a need for one another. They respect and honor each other’s individuality and separateness, taking responsibility for their own feelings, thoughts and behavior. Interdependency is a deep connection or attachment that has at its core trust, safety, love and commitment.

Interdependency should be fostered and nurtured from the very beginning of every marriage. Yet for many dependency conjures up all kinds of emotions, some being negative. People often squirm with discomfort, when thinking about being dependent on another, “No not me, I will never be.” Dependency for many has become a weak quality. Few like to consider themselves as dependent on another. Yet, at our core interdependency is one of the most fundamental characteristics that make marriage thrive.

Everywhere we look connection and interdependency abound. Nature whispers of the beauty of connection. All terrestrial and aquatic ecosystems are comprised of communities of both living and non-living organisms that are linked and functioning together. Looking upward toward the heavens we can see a spectacular solar system working magnificently; the sun, the moon, the planets are clearly visible. Earth is dependent on the consistency and functionality of our solar system. If not for this fact earth would cease to exist.

Our spiritual nature cries out for dependency on others. God created us this way. It was part of His plan that we would acknowledge our need for Him and for each other. This is part of His design for humanity. He did not create us to live in isolation, but in relationship depending on one another and in so doing are needs are met. In the Bible, in Genesis 2:18, it says, It is not good for man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him. Then God created Eve, so that Adam, would not be by himself. God set out to make interdependency part of his marriage plan. Marriage is the most sacred of all relationships where we can truly understand and live out what it means to be interdependent in body, heart and soul.

Our physical bodies from the moment of conception depend on another for survival. A fetus relies on its mother’s womb and body for a safe place to develop and grow, nutrients for sustenance, and loving care for optimal well-being. Once a baby is born it will rely completely on its mother for survival. Children depend on their parents for shelter, food, care and love. Our children will continue depending on us until they are mature enough to leave our homes as adults.

Interdependency is a wonderful state of being and it is what makes healthy marriages thrive. It means we can acknowledge our need for each other openly. I depend on you and you depend on me. We support each other. It means we strive to work together in our marriage. It is a reminder that we are on the same team. This mind set allows us to live out life and love well. It supports the concept that I can count on you in this marriage. When I need you, I know I can depend on you being there. When I am going through challenging times I can rely on you and you can rely on me. We are here for each other in this marriage.

If you are looking for couples therapy in the South Bay area, please call me for a complimentary 15-minute phone consultation (424) 206-9055. I can answer any other questions you may have.

 

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